Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I Ain't Saying I'm Perfect, But I Promise I'm Worth It

I have this complex with trying to be “perfect.” Not in the since that I spend 800 hours on my hair or make up or that I am OCD about making sure I have the wrinkles out of my pants, it’s more in my actions.

I want to always do the right thing and say the right thing and when I don’t, or I feel that I don’t I spin in to this crazy tornado of continuing to try and explain myself until I’m exhausted and have to throw up my hands and say, whatever will be, will be.

I got in to a car accident last Wednesday night. I’m fine, my car is barely dented (you can’t tell unless you have your nose to the bumper), and more importantly, the other people are fine. The poorly salted/sanded/plowed roads in Madison were no pleasure to be driving in, BUT, it was MY fault. I get that. And I felt/feel awful.

I apologized profusely to the couple and told my story to the police and then, I got a ticket (well, I didn’t actually receive it, I was told I would get it in the mail…so I’m still waiting…).

I beat the hell out of myself for it. I cried over it and I didn’t sleep over it – mainly because I felt SO bad and SO guilty.

(My mom does say that this is the reason they never had to punish me while growing up, I knew when I screwed up and I would punish myself).

Earlier this week I sent an email to a friend that I felt was maybe misunderstood so, when I received an email back, I immediately called and tried to clarify – you know, just to make sure that everyone was on the same page. Unfortunately, the message I left was STILL not REALLY what I wanted to say and could have been clearer. Normally, I would have followed up with another email or message to further explain but this time I didn’t. I gave in to the “whatever will be, will be” mantra a lot sooner than normal.

I’ve always strived really hard to be very clear with people (I’m a serious over communicator) but to also make sure that people are always happy with me. The being clear part isn’t all that hard, but I want to make sure that people aren’t annoyed with me or mad at me and this is easier said than done, my friends.

Hello, my name is Jennifer, and I am a people pleaser.

The people pleasing business is not often easy nor is it a good way to go through life. I’m realizing that and I’m working on it. But it’s hard to up root 28 years of a particular behavior in a matter of months.

I also think I just care way too much. Yes, about how people perceive me, but also how people FEEL. I legitimately care about people – very deeply. This often leads me in to a world of hurt, but I can’t go about living my life not caring how people are feeling or wanting to make sure that they are happy.

I was talking about this with a good friend last night and Kevin got mentioned and after thinking about him and the mess that he was, I said “you know, I really hope that he’s happy.” Bridget could have decked me at that point (which I appreciate since it means she cares since he is a total jackbag). But I do. I really hope that he’s happy.

It’s just me. I throw caution to the wind when it comes to people. I love without abandon. I always want to make sure that people are happy with me and that they know that they can count on me. I want people to know that I truly care about them and the things that are going on in their life and most of all, I just want my friends and loved ones to be happy. And I don't think that this is a bad thing.

This is all great and lovey dovey and touchy feely but when I don’t know that people know that, I can drive myself (and others) a tad bit crazy trying to explain.

I need to be better at thinking before I speak. I maybe need to be LESS of a communicator. I need to take a step back and make sure that I am truly happy before I work so hard to appease others. But, I won’t stop loving without abandon. I won’t stop giving my all to people. I just need to be a little smarter about it and not beat myself up so much in trying to get there.

I’m working on it…because as much as I aim at perfection, I am far from perfect.

In quoting one of my favorite “yay me” songs “I'm slow to trust but I'm quick to love…I push too hard and I give too much…I ain't saying I'm perfect, but I promise I'm worth it”


Jake said...

You would be the world's worst criminal. So, if you ever feel like mugging an old lady, don't.

Jennifer said...

I would be an awful criminal. Because besides feeling outrageous guilt, I am not a very good liar either so I would turn myself in and give it all up. What can I say? ;)

Novelty Pen said...

Remember the old saying, You can't please all the people.... Well you know the rest. But it is good to be a nice person.