It's so bad I can't even come up with a title...

I've been having writer's block lately. It's not that I don't have things going on that I could write about - believe me I do and it's probably more than anyone ever wants to read about - and maybe that's why I'm not writing. I just can't bear to write a blog or write in my journal or sometimes to even write a press release.

I want to write. Like I said, I have things to write about, just when I go to put it all down somewhere I find myself stopping short of saying the things that I really want to say. Like writing about being pissed off about not getting responses from people - I put things out into cyber space and I typically think it's the polite, even responsible thing to do to send a frickin email back - even if all it says is "I just don't want to." Something is better than nothing right? (And I guess with the nothing, the inference can be made that the answer is "I just don't want to" but I feel things like that should be said not just left out there - but I'm an over communicator).



So, since I'm finding myself not able to write - I'm stealing this idea off of another blog so that I can at least get some things down in writing...



I Can't - -

• stand getting my oil changed. There's just something about pulling into that garage and talking with the mechanics that just makes me feel weird and uneasy. I do it because I have to, not because I want to.
• live without my blackberry, coffee, and spell check.
• stand being late - and 5 min. early is late to me. It puts me into a panic. HATE IT.
• wear shorts while running.
• take a compliment

I Can - -

• Camp without an air mattress
• drink water from the tap - in fact I prefer it
• whistle by sucking in instead of blowing out - in fact, it's the only way I can do it.
• do a headstand (finally!)
• be strong and independent and still need my parents
• play the right hand part of any piano music you put in front of me - it's that damn left hand that I can't get down.
• cook - which may surprise some of you since I always claim that I'm not very domestic.
  

I Won't - -

• ever apologize for my politics
• stop dancing in the living room, singing loudly, or being silly just because I'm growing up
• give less than 100% of myself to people - be it my family, friends, or a person I meet on the street.
• stop running until my body physically cannot do it anymore - and I hope that's a long time from now.
• Think it's ever ok pretend someone is invisible.

I Will - -

• Bend over backwards to help a friend.
• Always give advice, even if it's not wanted.
• Be loud and sometimes funny.
• swear like a trucker even though I know it's not very lady like.
• Always find time to read to my niece and nephew - and find time for them in general

I Shouldn't - -

• Care so much about what other people think.
• Apologize for my feelings. It is what it is...
• Be so hard on myself
• waste so much time and energy on things that I can't control. Whatever will be, will be

I Should - -

• Say no more often
• Do more yoga
• Be proud of myself
• Spend more time writing, taking pictures, and creating in general
• wash my car more often
  

Cellcom Green Bay Marathon - May 17, 2009

All week last week I dreaded the marathon day because I just didn't feel "right." I didn't want to get on the course and throw up or pass out - you know, those fun feelings I had felt all week coming to the surface and actually happening during the race scared the hell out of me. I just wanted to finish - and of course, not die.

I took off for Green Bay early Saturday morning and had a delightful pit stop in Milwaukee, where I hung out with HR guy and his awesome dog for a couple of hours, slowly walking up and down the shore line of lake Michigan. It felt good to be outside, and it felt good to move around a little since I didn't do much all week.

I got to Green Bay and met Mary at Lambeau Field around 3:30. We hung out at the Expo for a few hours, scouring for free stuff, which was pretty slim. I did manage to find some great new running shirts. It was fun running into Justin, my favorite Packer partner (we went to several games together over our years at UW-GB) and Steph who also went to school at GB (and is part of the NKOTB clan!).

We got the low down about the course from the race director, which was really nice. It was good to know what to expect and to find out where the best bathrooms were on race day!

Krista met up with us and we proceeded to carb load with a great (FREE) dinner. I don't know how many breadsticks I ended up eating but seriously, they were amazing (everything was good, but these breadsticks...really...).

I joined my family back at the hotel for a quick chat - - I am a REALLY lucky girl - - mom, dad, Amanda, Ches, Grandma & Grandpa, Beth, and Ann & Jim all joined me in this adventure - - it is so nice to have such great support from my family (and friends!)!!

I didn't sleep at all on Saturday night. I felt awful, I had weird dreams, and I tossed and turned all night. So, needless to say, I was feeling really ill prepared for Sunday.

But, Sunday morning I was up at 5 am, got a bagel with peanut butter and honey down, drank some coffee and got to the start line...

FROM START TO FINISH:

• Green Bay had an appropriate amount of bathrooms. Granted, the race started at Lambeau which HAS to have quality (and quantity) bathroom facilities but there were also tons of port-o-potties and I didn't feel that I waited too long in line (the 2 times within 15 min that I went). Some races are AWFUL.
• I missed saying good luck to Mary at the very start (because you know, I was in the bathroom) but she caught me around mile 3 and we chatted for a bit before she rocked her way to a 2:04 1/2 Marathon time.
• I had a tear in my eye during the National Anthem - yes, I'm sappy.
• I found my fam along the start line and was able to wave to them as we took off. That was neat.
• I didn't like the 4:30 pacer's plan of attack. I hate walk breaks that do not include water at the start of the race. So, I left them. You know for the first 23 miles.
• I saw someone texting while running. Seriously, even I'M not that addicted to the Crackberry!
• Every mile marker in the Quad Cities tore me up. It was SO emotional for me to undertake such a huge task. But this time was different. Not emotional. Not overwhelming. I didn't even think about the miles.
• My stomach hurt for the first 5 miles. Then I told myself to get over it.
• I listened to Jason Mraz, Saving Abel, Fergie, Lady Gaga, The Wreckers, and Kelly Clarkson
• I saw my family at miles 11, twice on the bike path (somewhere between 15 and 19), in Lambeau (I totally picked my sister out of the crowd!)!
• I missed my family at the finish - even though they were there and saw me!
• My 8th grade social studies teacher (who ran the 5k) found me along the route and ran a little with me around mile 14- it was SO nice!
• Mary was at the entrance to the Lambeau parking lot cheering me on and right around the corner from the finish!
• I wasn't annoyed with ANYONE during the WHOLE 26.2 miles. That's insanity my friends.
• I was seriously in my own little world and really didn't think, I just ran.
• I only talked to two people during the race - Mary at the very beginning and some guy while in downtown GB (around mile 22 ish) and that was for about two seconds during a walk break - we had been pacing with each other and we both asked how the other was doing). During the Quad Cities, I would have DIED without 3.2 mile dude. I seriously would not have made it to the end with out his support and conversation. It makes me sad I didn't ever get his name.
• I'm going to sound like a MAJOR jackbag right now but I didn't feel like it was a big deal. I felt like the Quad Cities was HUGE. And THIS is HUGE. I think playing it down helped me get through it.
• Although I didn't feel this one was HUGE, my colleagues and boss did - Paula got me a marathon cake that was AWESOME!
• I hit my wall about mile 23. I told myself there would be no wall. But there was. HOWEVER, I did not allow myself to cramp up like I did in the Quad Cities. I pushed it too hard the first time around and had to stop and stretch and was hurting as I crossed the finish line. This time I was able to back off a bit when I felt like my calves were going to cramp and they never did. I was also able to finish really strong.
• I hit the infamous sign that all the players hit on their way out to the field - it was awesome running through that tunnel and really really special to run around the field.
• For not being a huge thing, I teared up as I came to the finish line.
• It is a HUGE thing. Have I mentioned that?
• I got one kick ass medal!
• My dad told me he'd run with me some day...I'm going to hold him to that.

My recovery process is going REALLY well. Last time around was not so good and I ended up with SI Joint issues and physical therapy. This time around my SI Joint is AWESOME, the only things that are sore are my quads and my big toe nails (I didn't get a single blister though!). I've been in the pool for the last couple of days and I'm able to walk down stairs without feeling like I'm 185 years old.

All in all - this was a REALLY good race. Now, I'm "off" for a couple of weeks and then it's full steam ahead to start training for the Lakefront Milwaukee Marathon on October 4, 2009.

T minus 48 ish hours

On Sunday I will be running in Green Bay - I have been so ready to rock this marathon for weeks now. However, I was side lined this weekend when I could not get out of my bed on Sunday and Monday with a fever.

I hate when my training is thrown off for some reason - especially when it's coming down to the end of the line. It kills me to not be able to get in a scheduled run, however, for the most part I have felt stronger and faster this time around.

In the last couple days my head has transitioned from "freak out about not getting in my final 8 miler" mode to "back in the game" mode.

I can do this. I can run 26.2 miles. I've done it before, I know what it feels like. I am ready. My legs are strong, my heart is in it, and so is my head.

My goals as always are to finish and not die. I can do that.

Thank you to all of my friends and family who constantly support me - especially to Ann who logged lots of miles with me! I'll keep you all posted on the outcome! Here's hoping for perfect weather!!

Wisconsin 1/2 Marathon

Considering the fact that I have run 13.1 miles some 12 ish times over the last year, I have never run in a 1/2 marathon race...until Saturday.

Mary, one of my very dear friends from college, and I signed up to run the inaguaral "Wisconsin Marathon and Half Marathon" to be held in Kensoha - where Mary's parents live and where my boss is the State Senator.

I went down to "K-Town" on Friday night and Mary, her family and I ate at Luigi's - this hole in the wall Italian place that was amazing. I had homemade pasta with a big ol' meat ball on top. Homemade pasta in Kenosha is always amazing. Always.

Feeling carbed up and ready to roll on Saturday morning, I got a good night sleep and was up bright and early at 5:00 am (which is sleeping in for me!).

Earlier on in marathon training, my long run routine was to eat a peanut butter power bar and drink some coffee. For my 18, 19, and 20 milers however, I have switched to these awesome bagels that are whole grain and have 10 grams of protien in them...but I digress...anyway, I ate my bagel with peanut butter and honey and headed out.

Krista, (a friend from high school, who met us at Mary's house) Mary and I grabbed a ride from one of Mary's Chicago friends and we headed down to Harbor Park, got our gear checked, and stood around for awhile. We decided to head to the bathroom - this is where I digress again. Seriously folks, how hard is it to use a bathroom in a timely manner? There were a few men who hopped out of line because people were being so slow (mainly women - yes, I'll totally blame my gender for being slow, thankfully, I am not). I appreciated these men who found an alternative place to dispose of their morning coffee. I would have joined them had it not been completely socially inappropriate. I'm not THAT girl.

Anyway, we got to the start line and I managed to bump into my boss who had come to wish me luck and send me off.

The weather was absolutely perfect. The sun was shining, there was a bit of a breeze and it was probably in the low 60's.

The route was beautiful. We ran through downtown Kenosha and then out through some really great houses and north along Lake Michigan. The scenery was lovely.

I was feeling pretty good. My first mile was done in 9:50 and I was ok with that since there were so many people to weave in and out of. After the first 4 or 5 miles I started to feel like I could push it up a little faster so I put some Fergie on the MP3 player and took off.

Kendra and her boyfriend Jared were there to watch one of Jared's friends (and ME too!!) - Kendra is an excellent photographer and caught lots of pictures along the route, I'll post some as soon as I see them! Mary's parents, sister and cousin were all out cheering too, and some people I met while campaigning in November even came out - it was nice to have supporters along the route!

My only goal for this run was to do it in at least 2 hours and 15 minutes. This was my split for the 1/2 at the Quad Cities Marathon. At mile 12 I realized that I was in a prime position to run this in 2 hours. I had stayed strong the whole race and felt good - stradling the line between pushing it too hard and pushing just enough as to not kill myself - I kicked around mile 12.5 as I knew I had it in me.

I have been doing my Monday training runs as "speed" days and while I'm not very fast, towards the end of the run I spend a good chunk of time increasing the speed. So I know, that even on tired legs, I can always give it a little more.

I finished in 2 hours and 36 seconds. An average 9:13/mile. I was VERY proud of that. Being a steady 10 minute miler may be changing soon!

After the race we ate brats and drank beer by the lake - a perfect way to end the race!

I really enjoyed the 1/2 and while I still love the marathon (we'll see if that changes after May 17th, but I doubt it!!), I can't wait to do another 1/2 - - and, I registered today to do the Chicago Rock and Roll 1/2 on August 2nd - which will be followed by the Milwaukee Lakefront Marathon on October 3rd. (yes, I know, I'm a bit insane!).

Welcome to Taper Mode

Today is the first day of tapering for the Green Bay Marathon and I'm realizing that I haven't really written about the process of training as much this time around.

What I've learned about spring marathon training is that it makes you one tough cookie - running for hours and miles and miles on a treadmill is mentally challenging. Running through fresh snow is tough and pounding out miles during rain and getting coated in mud is tiring. But, through it all, I've learned that I can hack it.

Last summer, while training for the quad cities I had a scheduled 13 mile run (during tapering) that I completely complained about because it was raining out. However, it was in the 60's, and while it was coming down pretty steadily, there was no wind.

This weekend, not only did I run in the rain but it was cold and windy.

I ran the Crazy Legs Classic race in Madison (it's an 8k, just shy of 5 miles) on Saturday and as I drove to Madison through a torrenchial down pour I was a little concerned about running but hell bent on doing it. The race went well and I finished in 44:29 finishing 1 min and 3 seconds faster than last year. I've heard that the race was a little over 5 due to having to reroute it because of flooding on the bike path, but regardless, I'm happy with my time. I got done and while I was wet, I had a blast.

Sunday I ran my 20 miler. Thankfully, I procrastinated long enough that I got through most of it with light to moderate rain and there were times when it stopped completely! However, on my last mile, I got pounded on. I thought it was sleet, but nope, just really really big rain drops - coming down in buckets! But, I finished and while I was a little slower than I had hoped, I got the miles in and am feeling pretty good.

Today, I allowed myself to sleep in! I got a glorious 10.5 hours of sleep (I didn't get a nap on Sunday so I was in bed at 8:30!! Loved it!!), and I'm off for a massage in a couple of hours. And, tomorrow, I only have to run 5 miles!

One more thing about spring training - you see LOTS of dead things. I've "ran over" snakes, deer, skunks, squirrels, and birds. And, while I wasn't the one to bring them to their demise, I was sure happy to not have crossed any of them while they were alive (especially the snakes!!). Once fall training starts I know there will be lots of live things to run from - turkeys and deer mostly, I'm hoping to stay away from the snakes!!

"Match" Date #1 & an in between meet and greet

Well, I finally went on a date with someone I met on Match. It was well, just ok in the grand scheme of things. I didn't want to poke my eyes out with a stick but I didn't get that "this is awesome" feeling either.

I met the cop at Buffalo Wild Wings because I'm always up for wings and beer and while others may think that's a totally lame date, I think that for a first meeting it was fine. It was casual and brightly lit and there were lots of people in case I needed protection from strangers.

Anyway, the conversation was easy and we ended up going for ice cream after and we set up another date for a Sunday afternoon cook out.

In between dates with the cop, I went to visit my BFF Heather in Cedarburg and as I walked through her door she told me that she had "exciting news" - I immediately asked her if she was pregnant. When she informed me that she wasn't and that it was for me, I was more than curious.

Turns out, her neighbor down the street, HR guy, was single and our age and meeting us out for dinner and drinks if I was ok with it. I'm never one to shy away from meeting new people so we walked down to HR guys house and walked to downtown Cedarburg, which is a really cute little place.

HR guy turns out to be pretty awesome and hanging with him until bar close allows me to list all of the reason why the cop is so not me. First and foremost, HR guy can get through a sentence, nay, an entire 6 hours without mentioning boobs - serious bonus points.

Bonus points for interesting travel, life experience, and things to talk about other than sports (which is TOTALLY fine, but come on, are the Cubs ALL you've got?)...MORE bonus points for being incredibly educated (meaning you didn't graduate because you were a football player who got by on the skin of your teeth), well spoken, and polite (aka, not mentioning boobs constantly).

It was an interesting weekend for sure and while it was lots of fun, not a match was made...totally fine though as it was a good, clarifying learning experience!

You Never Know What's Next

***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***

What you are about to read actually happened. If you are reading and you know this person, it's OK, you do not have to be angry at him - AND, if you'd like to be angry at me, wait until you get to the bottom of the page and then we can talk. As always, I thank you for your over protective anger. If you are this person, I do care and this is not meant to hurt you - or me - but it's a story I feel needs to be told. If you are someone who doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, then just read and draw your own conclusions.

*********************************************************************************

For six months he had this strange power over me - a power that always made me go to him whenever it was convenient for him and one that, towards the end, always made me leave feeling bad about myself.

At the beginning I felt wanted, which was nice because he was attractive and had that cool California surfer look to him that always makes me swoon. We would spend hours talking about life and everything and nothing all at once and it was nice. We had an easy, comfortable rapport between us. He made me feel sexy and smart and special.

It didn't take me long to figure out though, that I was being used to fill a void and I'm sure it didn't take him long to figure out that he could call or text me and, without thinking, I'd toss everything aside and run to him, be there for him, with no regard to myself. But I let it continue.

I lived that way for a long time, letting late night phone calls followed by 15 minute drives rule my life for the thrill of spending a couple of hours with him. Often getting there to find and empty bed; one that I would shamefully crawl into and no matter how pissed off I was about it I stayed. I listened to the apologies when he'd come in at 2 am but I knew he never meant them. And in the morning I'd drive back to my apartment almost always in tears about the whole thing, cursing myself for staying and cursing him for treating me this way. I my friends was the definition of doormat.

And although I realized my doormat status long before I could ever get my wits about me, I finally came to. Almost two years ago, I marched into his house (I had really cute pink high heels on), dropped off stuff I had of his and said I couldn't do it anymore. He didn't argue (ok, well, he really couldn't - in his defense he was recovering from an emergency appendectomy, but still, he didn't argue). He only said "can we talk about this later?" (meaning it was inconvenient for him because he was drugged up, um hi? no excuse). And then, I walked out and it was done.

I moved around like a zombie for awhile after that. Crying constantly, holing up in my apartment, not wanting to do anything. I was sad. Mostly I was sad that I was so stupid to think or believe for one second that this person actually cared about me or how I felt.

The good news is, something snapped in me that May. I realized that I did have worth and that I needed to put myself first and make sure that I was taken care of which meant getting off of my ass and getting to the gym. It meant changing my eating habits. It meant reassessing things in my life from food to friends. It meant taking a good, scary look at myself in the mirror and confronting things I hadn't wanted to before.

I saw him a year later - 75 pounds later - and it was a polite run in with each other. Kind words were exchanged and he apologized for the way that things ended with us. I took his apology, smiled politely and rejoined my friends. I then ran into him a couple more times at a local watering hole where it was always the same, a kind smile, a nod of hello, but nothing more and I was ok with it, I was really good with it. It was always friendly and deep down I knew he really meant his apology.

Then, out of the blue, I texted him a question that I knew he'd know the answer to right away, it was something stupid about a band. I still have no idea why I did it. Did I really just have a question or did I want to be friends? I thought so. And then, I felt sorry for him when he lost his job and I genuinely wanted to do something to help, if I could, and began to reach out periodically. I genuinely gave a crap about him because he's a person and it's what I do and more importantly, I knew that he had been through a lot and I have a hard time not caring about people who have been in my life.

And then, I did it. I threw the "we should catch up some time" out there. But I really meant it, I really wanted to see how he was doing and see what was new. And, after months went by, we eventually set up a time and a place, at a location that I knew would be comfortable for me to be in and not get drunk and let emotions take over and either yell at him or swoon again.

There was no dinner.

There were drinks.

The night before our scheduled dinner.

I knew that at 10 pm, which is when I finally was available to go (in his defense, he wanted to meet at 6), it would leave me feeling funny in some way, shape or form. I knew I shouldn't go, but I did.

I met him on his turf, at a bar that he knew. We immediately fell into conversation that was easy and fun. And although easy and fun, it turned flirty way too quickly. He again apologized for the way things once were and I again accepted. We danced to the juke box, laughed and talked, had some beer and before I knew it, the bar was closing and we were the last ones standing.

He asked if I wanted to continue at his place and I rambled on about how I wanted it to be different this time, I wanted him to respect me and I bought that it would be.

So I went, and it was fun. He stated, more than once not to leave him. We talked about things in a "to be continued" way and as I left early Thursday morning, although I knew that would never happen.

I drug my ass to work on Thursday with an hour or two of sleep, no work out and a feeling of disappointment in my gut (mainly because I knew I couldn't actually TELL anyone about this because my friends would murder me if they knew, and I love them for that).

The thing of it is, I like him. I really think that he is a good person. I enjoy his company and I really did have a great time with him. That's always the kicker. I always think that part fits and something will change and make everything different, but it doesn't.

The one thing that is different though is that I let him off the hook when he asked for a raincheck on dinner. I told him that it would be ok if he really didn't feel like making a rain date. And I meant it. I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I'm not even sad about it. The thing is, I still care about him and I have a funny feeling that somewhere, deep down inside, he appreciates something about me and probably even cares a tiny little bit.

Maybe I did it because I wanted to know that I could. Maybe I did it because I wanted the perfect ending to his chapter. And, strangely, in some way, maybe I got it. We had fun and I made the best out of the moment. And, while his chapter in my book of life may not even be over yet, I've learned from him, from our prior relationship and from our last night together.

Gilda Radner sums it up perfectly when she said "I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. "

Here's to lessons learned and whatever happens next...