So I'm again contemplating my life and where I am - as I do quite often - and, I recently have the task of contemplating not only where I am but WHO I am. I made a list of some things that I know I am for sure a month or so ago - it was a riveting blog entry - and I am truly those things but I'm needing to look deeper than "I'm the kind of girl who can eat frozen pizza and play play station one night and paint the town red in a cute little dress the next".
I'm into Taylor Swift lately. She's a teeny bopper country star who's CD has been in my car for the last two months and I'm not sick of it - in fact, I listen to a portion of it at least once a day during my commute.
Anyway, she has a song that starts "I don't know what I want, so don't ask me, 'cause I'm still trying to figure it out..." This song speaks to ME...I'm constantly trying to figure out what it is that I want...and I don't have a clue right now.
I've been drifting in the last month or so and as much as I hated May I'm sad to say that June didn't get any better.
I'm once again finding myself at another turning point - although this one is as a whole new person in a whole new life - one that I haven't quite fit into yet, one that's a mystery to me as I have never been in this place before. It's scary and dark and I'm sometimes struggling for air. But I'll get out. I've put the shovel down and now I'm starting to slowly build some stairs and climb...slowly coming up with things that will get me to the surface again.
My mom said to me that I am never one to get in a rut - I'm not one to stay in one place for very long and be happy. And it's true. I'm constantly thinking that there's something more out there - something better, something different, somewhere that I fit now more than ever.
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5 comments:
I have no doubt that you will find your place and continue to keep finding new places as you go along...hang in there! Also heard about your medal from the race...that's great! Happy 4th!
Party that results in someone being evicted. I like it. Wait...what? We did that once already...crap. Nevermind.
Remember this comes from a guy who has a distorted, whacked out look on things. But excitement isn't in the big things, it is in the small, mundane things like making coffee or laughing at someone falling down (as long as they dont get hurt, otherwise it is mean). Life is about the journey to the big things, not the big things. Yes, I am very cliche, but hell, it is true.
Or, and I am considering this, quit paying taxes and join the Libertarian party. So what if Ron Paul is a little odd.
Ann - thanks and enjoy your vacation, I'm SO jealous!!
Jacob - you totally crack me up, STILL...thanks for that. And, no, not a party that results in eviction...although that was one damn fine party! The Ron Paul thing is still a bit scary for me though :) - - we should catch up soon, I miss you!
Jen- congrats on placing so well in your race! keep up the good work.
I think trying to find your place only gets harder the more you try... do what you enjoy- take risks and enjoy the bizarre way that things can turn out.
Things will fall into place as they should. Faith is always good - and having something to keep you busy while you wait for faith to materialize might help too! Good thing you just happen to be training for a marathon!
And Lord knows I need a lot of faith for that...I just keep telling myself, finish and don't die :)
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