You Never Know What's Next

***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***WARNING***

What you are about to read actually happened. If you are reading and you know this person, it's OK, you do not have to be angry at him - AND, if you'd like to be angry at me, wait until you get to the bottom of the page and then we can talk. As always, I thank you for your over protective anger. If you are this person, I do care and this is not meant to hurt you - or me - but it's a story I feel needs to be told. If you are someone who doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about, then just read and draw your own conclusions.

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For six months he had this strange power over me - a power that always made me go to him whenever it was convenient for him and one that, towards the end, always made me leave feeling bad about myself.

At the beginning I felt wanted, which was nice because he was attractive and had that cool California surfer look to him that always makes me swoon. We would spend hours talking about life and everything and nothing all at once and it was nice. We had an easy, comfortable rapport between us. He made me feel sexy and smart and special.

It didn't take me long to figure out though, that I was being used to fill a void and I'm sure it didn't take him long to figure out that he could call or text me and, without thinking, I'd toss everything aside and run to him, be there for him, with no regard to myself. But I let it continue.

I lived that way for a long time, letting late night phone calls followed by 15 minute drives rule my life for the thrill of spending a couple of hours with him. Often getting there to find and empty bed; one that I would shamefully crawl into and no matter how pissed off I was about it I stayed. I listened to the apologies when he'd come in at 2 am but I knew he never meant them. And in the morning I'd drive back to my apartment almost always in tears about the whole thing, cursing myself for staying and cursing him for treating me this way. I my friends was the definition of doormat.

And although I realized my doormat status long before I could ever get my wits about me, I finally came to. Almost two years ago, I marched into his house (I had really cute pink high heels on), dropped off stuff I had of his and said I couldn't do it anymore. He didn't argue (ok, well, he really couldn't - in his defense he was recovering from an emergency appendectomy, but still, he didn't argue). He only said "can we talk about this later?" (meaning it was inconvenient for him because he was drugged up, um hi? no excuse). And then, I walked out and it was done.

I moved around like a zombie for awhile after that. Crying constantly, holing up in my apartment, not wanting to do anything. I was sad. Mostly I was sad that I was so stupid to think or believe for one second that this person actually cared about me or how I felt.

The good news is, something snapped in me that May. I realized that I did have worth and that I needed to put myself first and make sure that I was taken care of which meant getting off of my ass and getting to the gym. It meant changing my eating habits. It meant reassessing things in my life from food to friends. It meant taking a good, scary look at myself in the mirror and confronting things I hadn't wanted to before.

I saw him a year later - 75 pounds later - and it was a polite run in with each other. Kind words were exchanged and he apologized for the way that things ended with us. I took his apology, smiled politely and rejoined my friends. I then ran into him a couple more times at a local watering hole where it was always the same, a kind smile, a nod of hello, but nothing more and I was ok with it, I was really good with it. It was always friendly and deep down I knew he really meant his apology.

Then, out of the blue, I texted him a question that I knew he'd know the answer to right away, it was something stupid about a band. I still have no idea why I did it. Did I really just have a question or did I want to be friends? I thought so. And then, I felt sorry for him when he lost his job and I genuinely wanted to do something to help, if I could, and began to reach out periodically. I genuinely gave a crap about him because he's a person and it's what I do and more importantly, I knew that he had been through a lot and I have a hard time not caring about people who have been in my life.

And then, I did it. I threw the "we should catch up some time" out there. But I really meant it, I really wanted to see how he was doing and see what was new. And, after months went by, we eventually set up a time and a place, at a location that I knew would be comfortable for me to be in and not get drunk and let emotions take over and either yell at him or swoon again.

There was no dinner.

There were drinks.

The night before our scheduled dinner.

I knew that at 10 pm, which is when I finally was available to go (in his defense, he wanted to meet at 6), it would leave me feeling funny in some way, shape or form. I knew I shouldn't go, but I did.

I met him on his turf, at a bar that he knew. We immediately fell into conversation that was easy and fun. And although easy and fun, it turned flirty way too quickly. He again apologized for the way things once were and I again accepted. We danced to the juke box, laughed and talked, had some beer and before I knew it, the bar was closing and we were the last ones standing.

He asked if I wanted to continue at his place and I rambled on about how I wanted it to be different this time, I wanted him to respect me and I bought that it would be.

So I went, and it was fun. He stated, more than once not to leave him. We talked about things in a "to be continued" way and as I left early Thursday morning, although I knew that would never happen.

I drug my ass to work on Thursday with an hour or two of sleep, no work out and a feeling of disappointment in my gut (mainly because I knew I couldn't actually TELL anyone about this because my friends would murder me if they knew, and I love them for that).

The thing of it is, I like him. I really think that he is a good person. I enjoy his company and I really did have a great time with him. That's always the kicker. I always think that part fits and something will change and make everything different, but it doesn't.

The one thing that is different though is that I let him off the hook when he asked for a raincheck on dinner. I told him that it would be ok if he really didn't feel like making a rain date. And I meant it. I'm not mad. I'm not bitter. I'm not even sad about it. The thing is, I still care about him and I have a funny feeling that somewhere, deep down inside, he appreciates something about me and probably even cares a tiny little bit.

Maybe I did it because I wanted to know that I could. Maybe I did it because I wanted the perfect ending to his chapter. And, strangely, in some way, maybe I got it. We had fun and I made the best out of the moment. And, while his chapter in my book of life may not even be over yet, I've learned from him, from our prior relationship and from our last night together.

Gilda Radner sums it up perfectly when she said "I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. "

Here's to lessons learned and whatever happens next...

Most Myself - and Figuring That Out

So I've been spending a lot of time thinking about who I'm most myself around, or what situations I may be in when I'm most me - and sadly, I'm still pondering.

However, I have come to a couple of conclusions:

• I'm most comfortable with people who knew me pre May 2007 - these people knew me when I was 75 pounds heavier and liked me anyway. I sometimes (a lot of times) feel really weird about exposing the old me to people. I'm embarrassed about it - ashamed even - but I never ever felt that way then. There are pictures from college that people have uploaded onto their facebook pages that I am "tagged" in and I find myself always wanting to untag me in them so that any "new" friends that come along don't see what I used to look like. But I don't untag myself, because it's part of who I was - of who I still am. People I have known for awhile get that; they get that I have been through a major overhaul, but I'm still me.
• I am so lucky to have people in my life where I feel like I can say anything and not be judged and where I can be a little crazy and not care, I can "dance like no body's watching" because they're right there next to me. I don't have to sugar coat anything with these people; I don't have to always have a sunny disposition; and I can share anything and everything with them.

I'm still working on this - it's harder than I thought it would be for some reason - maybe because I'm still trying to figure out what being "most myself" really means. Who am I and what am I all about? I have a good idea but I'm still working on that.

In the effort of still working on figuring that out - I think that this Match thing may be helping - but only slightly.

I've been at this for 2 weeks; my profile has been looked at 1110 times; The return has not been so good. I've had some people contact me or note that they may be interested and I've made an effort to send out emails but so far, nothing all that exciting has come my way. Which is ok, I mean, I've only been at this for 2 weeks.

However, I did go on a date with a guy that one of my friends knows - not through Match. And while he was nice enough, there was no chemistry on my part.

Here's what I learned:

• I absolutely need someone who has an interest in traveling and has the ability to do so.
• Yes my friends, I love the big cities, so if you tell me you never want to step foot in NYC and that you hated LA, it's probably not a match.
• Furthermore, I adore Washington DC - for oh so many reasons. Love it or hate it, one should appreciate it - and if you don't, well, again, probably not a match.
• I get embarrassed really easily. Not so much from things that I'm doing but from things that people I'm with are doing. You'd think that after 28 years of knowing my dad, nothing anyone did would ever be embarrassing, but...not the case.
• I love food and am not shy about it - I am never "that girl" on a date - you know, the one who orders a side salad and a diet coke? However, when it gets pointed out to me that I eat like a normal person, again, I get embarrassed.
• I like alcohol. I know that may make me sound like a lush, but I enjoy going out and having drinks and going to wine tastings and I would really like to do that with someone who's going to join me. It's awkward to be drinking alone.
• I'm more passionate about knowing something about things that are going on in the world than I thought I was. I have a hard time when people tell me that they really just don't care about current events because, no matter what your position on those events is, they do matter.

So, I'm getting somewhere. I'm figuring it out. It was kind of fun to go on a date seeing as I haven't been on one since November and boy was THAT a learning process (fun overall...but I learned a lot of hard life lessons in November)...

Something I'm Pondering

Remember I blog stalk? Well, Chris's sister Meg (whom I've never met, but have heard lots of great things about!) just posted something that got me thinking - when do you feel most yourself? And further more, when I'm feeling most myself, what is that person like? I'm off to do some thinking - be prepared for deep thoughts by Jen soon...

"What I Learned from Dating 100 Men"

Ok, I haven't dated 100 men, at least not with in the last 6 months and there are some shady instances that certainly don't count as dates in my eyes, but I digress...

My sister sent me a message about this article: http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200302_omag_100_dates

The tag line? "She was 34 and she meant business, so she placed an ad with an online dating service and let the e-mails roll in. By the end of her dating experiment she found someone, but she also found herself."

That's the ultimate goal right people? Finding yourself? Who you are, what you want, what you will and will not tolerate...and to be able to communicate that without hesitation or question...

Single in the City

Reene Zelleweger recently had this quote on a magazing cover - "I'm not single, I'm busy" I immediately loved it, but after thinking about it a little more, I wondered if busy was an excuse. Just because you're busy doesn't mean that you can't put yourself out there and date and have a good time, you know, if you want to.

I'm single. And for the most part, I'm ok with that. I'm busy and have great friends and certainly don't need someone to complete me. However, certain times of the year, summer especially, I'd like to be dating someone. While I don't ever mind being the 3rd, 5th, or 17th wheel, when it comes to doing things with my friends, it does get a little old and I feel more often now than ever before, my "coupled up" friends are busy doing their coupley things and I don't get included....and I don't blame them for that nor do I think it's being done intentionally, it's just easier to go to dinner with another couple versus another couple and Jen.

The other reality is, I'm 28, an age that yields a most of my girlfriends being or getting married, or seriously dating someone. That leaves me often home, on a Friday night, blogging.

It's not like I don't try - or don't put myself out there and while I guess I could do more and get involved in different groups and organizations and whatnot, I don't have a great deal of time in my life with a two hour drive every day, county board, and lots of running. (excuses, I know).

Where am I going with all of this? Well, I've decided to try online dating. I'll be honest, I've done it before and I've never had good results, however, I am at a different point in my life and I figured I'd give it a shot. And, I figured I'd chronicle my adventures here on my blog, promising to change the names of the unfortunate, the lucky, and the jackbags because I've decided that while I may not even meet anyone who I actually like, it may provide lots of entertaining stories, and who doesn't love a good story?

I signed up for Match.com on Tuesday. The good news? 652 people have looked at my profile. The bad news? Out of that many people, I haven't recieved much contact. And while I'm not a math major, I can tell you that those odds don't seem very good.

I also don't know how to go about doing this - when do you email someone? When do you "wink" at them? How long do you wait to reply to their email? How do you write a profile that says how awesome you are without seeming too cocky? How do you pick your pictures? Do you have to tell people who contact you that you don't like do you have to tell them? Or do you just ignore?

So, here I go. This will be an interesting learning experience, one that if nothing else, will provide some good stories, and I promise I'll share!!

I Heart Marathon Training

I climbed onto the treadmill this morning at 4:45 and started an 8 mile run. During the first couple of miles I started to think about training and the fact that I REALLY enjoy it - which I know, I know, makes me weird (we've ALL got that figured out now!).

Here is a portion my list of things I love about training for a marathon ( yes, most of them have to do with food):

1. Smore's Luna Bars - LOVE these things - a great pre run snack!
2. Peanut Butter Power Bars - I eat these before long runs and like the peanut butter more than any other flavor - and I don't love the fruity ones!
3. Espresso GU - has a little caffeine to give me a kick during a run and strangely, I find it tasty.
4. Luna Moons - yummy little chewy "fruit snacks"
5. Chocolate Milk - such a fantastic recovery drink
6. Peanut M&Ms - while I've scaled back on these this time around, I still love them dearly
7. Pasta, bread, and all things carby and delicious - I love any excuse to eat an abundance of carbs!
8. A fab play list - last time around I ran to country - this time I'm going a little pop with lots of Natasha Bedingfield, Katy Perry, Britney Spears, Colby O'donis, Jason Mraz, and I really add some fun with a little NKOTB!
9. Having the mental focus to do this. I'm a true believer that marathon training is 80% mental and 20% physical.
10. killer quads, hamstrings, and calves - my legs shape up nicely during training and I love them for that.
11. My feet. They're not the best looking feet I've ever seen and they have some callouses and bruised toe nails, but they're awesome. They carry me through lots and lots of miles and I love them.
12. A stronger core. Which in turn makes my SI joint oh so happy.
13. Oh yeah, I can't forget bananas - I heart them all the time, but even more so while I'm running!
14. I sleep REALLY well while training.

Who Knew...

So I know that I haven't blogged in awhile but wow - not at all in March?!? Hi! I'm still alive!

I don't really have any big thing to blog about so I figure I'll do some random musings...

**I really hate lifting weights. I know that I should do it. I know that I have to do it. I just really don't enjoy doing it. I would rather run or bike or swim. However, I lifted yesterday and then the crazy lady subbing in my class made us lift again today. So, while I hate it, I do think my arms will be in good shape for tank tops this summer.

**I really love fondue and especially enjoy the Melting Pot where someone mixes all the right things together and makes it delicious. Last night I enjoyed a great night of fiesta cheese (so fantastic with a beer base), lots o' meat with amazing dipping sauces and some original chocolate (mixed with crunchy peanut butter) - all with my great friend Bridget. A great meal with fantastic company is always appreciated.

**I'm finally feeling back to "normal" - I went through about three weeks of a sinus infection, TMJ dysfunction, an abscessed tooth, a root canal and a killer cold and now my head is feeling clear and I can sleep at night with out the aide of vicodin or Nyquil.

**While I don't know if I REALLY like the new look of Facebook it's not bothering me that much. It's funny how change can really rock people's worlds, I like to try to take it in stride.

**I can't, for the life of me, get into the book "Marley and Me" - I want to LOVE this book. I LOVED the movie and my mom keeps telling me the book is WAY better and I want to love it, I'm just having a hard time.

**My final homework for my creativity class is due next Monday, it feels like I just started the class. I'll sum it up on here at some point after we're done - I will say that I have really enjoyed it and think that I have great tools to move forward in my creative life.

**I REALLY could use a yoga class - it's been WAY too long and doing it at home here and there is beneficial but I really love going to class.

**I went to the mall in Madison last night before dinner and I was not inspired at all. Usually the mall is where I find a lot of inspiration to be creative and nothing was doing it for me last night. I think it's that I'm not in love with any of the spring trends - it may have something to do with too much color. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy color but as an accent, not as an all over whatever.

**I have really been on a fashion kick lately, which is why the above statement really made me disappointed. I've been reading a lot of blogs that have to do with fashion but did you know that some people take pictures of themselves every day and blog about their look of the day? Who knew?! And by the way, I totally enjoy them.

**The nice weather that we've had over the weekend and the last couple of days has made me want to party plan. I love throwing parties and would love to have one on the patio with the grill going, summery drinks flowing and people sitting around a fire until all hours of the evening, talking, laughing, eating, drinking...